Ever since I brought up the sleepless quagmire of parenting, an elephant in the corner has been politely clearing his throat. Hem hem, says the elephant. Cryitout. Hem, hem.

Before we get any further, I know I’m probably going to hurt some feelings. Maybe even piss some people off. That is not my intention. I just want to share my world view on the whole “cry it out” issue. A world view that is just as valid as your world view. As much as I love to be right as a general rule, becoming a mother taught me early on that as long as parenting comes from a place of love and respect for the child, there is no wrong or right. We are all just doing the best we know how.

Onto the Controversy!

First, let’s sync up on terminology.

My definition of “cry it out” is this: When the baby cries, the parent leaves the child alone and does not respond in any way.

Some people also use “cry it out” as a blanket label to describe the Ferber method or the Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, among others. However, it is possible to apply those particular methods with success without leaving your baby alone to “cry it out.” Full disclosure: Most of those techniques haven’t felt like a good fit for us or for Abby, but I know plenty of families who have been happy with their results using those techniques.

So if they work, why haven’t we used these behavior modification techniques?

We didn’t want to make you feel bad, but since you asked: It’s because Abby has been sleeping 14 uninterrupted hours a night since she was two days old.

Really?!?

Have you seen the twin Grand Canyons under my eyes? Abby’s not the best sleeper, even when she’s not coping with teething, sickness, or growth spurts. Part of that is due to our being clueless first-time parents, but we’re learning. For example, it wasn’t that many months ago when we still didn’t have a consistent bedtime routine for her.

But back to “cry it out” and why we haven’t tried it with Abby. Here are the facts as I understand them from reading several books and magazine articles on the subject:

• When a baby is in a stressful situation such as crying without being responded to by a caregiver, her system is flooded with the stress hormone cortisol.
• During a cortisol overload, her brain is not learning new skills, such as the skill to “self-soothe.”
• Side note: The part of the brain that helps with self-soothing isn’t well developed until the age of 2.5 to 3 years.
• When the baby does eventually stop crying without any caregiver attention, it’s because she’s tired herself out. Her system can’t handle the stress anymore.

We’ve all cried ourselves to sleep before—except my macho husband of course. We know what this feels like. While you were crying yourself to sleep, did you pick up any new skills?

Here is what I believe, based on the reading I’ve done: Applied to the extreme, what the “cry it out” method teaches a baby is not the skill of soothing herself to sleep. What it teaches her is that when she is stressed about falling asleep, her caregiver will not help her cope with that stress.

Babies need help learning how to fall asleep, just like anything else. Why are we so averse to teaching them this particular skill? It would be like if while teaching our babies to use the potty, we duct-taped their asses to the toilet, said “Figure it out,” and shut the bathroom door to leave them to work it out.

The Bottom Line?

You don’t have to choose between leaving your baby to cry it out and getting up every two hours to shush her back to sleep. That’s what’s called a sucker’s choice, and it’s a crock of elephant poo. How ridiculous would it be if you were struggling to eat healthier and lose weight, and someone said to you: “Well, you can keep stuffing your face at every opportunity, or you’re going to have to stop eating altogether. Your choice.”

If you want to teach your baby the new skill of how to soothe herself to sleep, the book The No-Cry Sleep Solution is an excellent, easy-to-read resource.

But don’t forget to come back here tomorrow when I post 12 concrete, practical tips anyone can use to cope with baby’s night wakings. Because I don’t care how good a sleeper your baby is. She will get sick, she will get teeth, and she will have growth spurts. And on those nights, you’ll need all the help you can get.

Photos by Murilo Grafics, splityarn, and BreckenPool.