Title: Waiting for Birdy: A Year of Frantic Tedium, Neurotic Angst, and the Wild Magic of Growing a Family
Author: Catherine Newman
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 4.5/5
Summary: Memoir of a mom who is pregnant with her second child.

Review: Hi-LAR-ious! I don’t often laugh out loud when reading, but this book had me chuckling and giggling at every turn.

I knew this was going to be my kind of book when I got to this part on page 11:

“I once sat up late with a friend, enjoying a shot or two of Jagermeister and imagining a special line of Hallmark cards called ‘Womanly Thoughts’ or, maybe, ‘Gynecological Moments.’ These would be designed around moody little watercolors of women with their feet in stirrups, women skulking around ovulation kits at the supermarket, and greetings like ‘Sorry to hear about your ovarian cyst. / If I had one, I’d be really pissed.’”

The author tells it like it is, and no topic is taboo. While on the whole it’s a very funny account of her life raising a toddler while being pregnant, the author also addresses more serious issues. For example, she talks about losing her patience and then temper with her son Ben and how she feels horrible afterward.

My favorite take-away from the book is that it reminds you to try to live in the moment even when that moment seems unbearable. The author’s mantra is “This, Now.” I find myself reciting that mantra when I’m bouncing Abby on the exercise ball for the third time after trying to put her down for a nap unsuccessfully two times already. Because one day, she’s not going to need me to help her fall asleep, and I’m sure I’m going to miss these days looking back.

The only part I didn’t love about this book was frequent assurances from the author that she wasn’t kidding before she shared a particularly funny or outrageous tidbit. When someone is constantly saying that they’re not kidding, it makes me wonder if all the other things they’re saying but not prefacing with “I’m not kidding” are true or not.

So I could have done without that quirk, but I still loved, loved, LOVED this book!

Title: Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
Author: Alfie Kohn
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 4.5/5
Summary: The author explores research on the effectiveness of parenting based on rewards and punishments.

Review: The front cover of this book describes it as “A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline.” Uh, YEAH.

This book had me squirming in my chair on a regular basis. Over and over, the author would present compelling research about how parenting with rewards and punishments doesn’t necessarily get you a kid who’s more compliant. And over and over, I would think to myself: “Well, if you don’t use rewards and punishments, what the crap else are you going to do?” The author would dance around alternatives, but he kept referencing Chapter 7 as where he’d be presenting them in detail—which was over halfway through the book.

In the end, I’m not sure if I would have been ready to accept the ideas in that chapter had I not gone through the painful process of being challenged again and again and again in the first part of the book. Maybe the author has to break down a few walls before he can help you start to build up something completely different in their place.

Here are just a handful of the reasons why punishment doesn’t work, according to the research covered in this book:

• Punishment makes people mad. I can recall with great clarity the times I was being punished for something that I had done, and I guarantee you I wasn’t “reflecting” on my actions. I was getting even more pissed off at whomever was punishing me, and my actions were the furthest thing from my mind.
• Punishment models the use of power. Do we really want to teach our kids that might makes right? As adults, will it be healthy for them to exploit their power over their fellow humans?
• Punishment makes kids more self-centered. If I hit Susie, I’ll have to sit in timeout and miss the rest of recess. Notice that I’m thinking about what will happen to me, not how Susie will feel.

What about rewards? If punishing non-compliance isn’t effective, what about rewarding compliance?

“…rewards are remarkably ineffective at improving the quality of people’s work or learning. A considerable number of studies have found that children and adults alike are less successful at many tasks when they’re offered a reward for doing them—or for doing them well.”

Or worse, rewards can undermine the very behavior you’re trying to encourage:

“…when there’s no longer a goody to be gained, [kids are] less likely to help than are kids who weren’t given a reward in the first place. They’re also less likely to help than they themselves used to be. After all, they’ve learned that the point of coming to someone’s aid is just to get a reward.”

These are just a few of the points from the book, but I know what you’re thinking right now: “Well, if you don’t use rewards and punishments, what the crap else are you going to do?”

Or maybe: “Haha, your kid is going to walk all over you! Sucker!”

To the latter, I say: You could very well be right. But this book resonated with me on a much deeper level than the parenting practices I saw growing up or continue to see on Supernanny. What do you think that kid on the naughty step is thinking about? About how what they did was wrong and they’ll never do it again? Or about how Mom is so unfair…or…next time she’s not going to catch me…or…I’m going to hit little brother for tattling on me?

Certainly you can remember a time when you were in timeout as a kid. Maybe you were a perfect kid and sat quietly reflecting on your misbehavior and how you will never, ever do that again. But me? Not so much. I sat there thinking of ways to blame someone else. I sat there steaming about the person who was punishing me. I sat there making plans to not talk to anyone for the rest of the day to show how mad I was.

So what if instead when you did something wrong, your parents sat down with you and asked you what happened? What if they had helped you explore why you did what you did? What if they encouraged you to think of other ways you could have expressed your emotions?

Kids are smart. They have good ideas for how to solve problems, including their own. You just need to give them a chance and support the process with your loving guidance.

Do I think that this style of parenting will mean Abby won’t ever misbehave or have a tantrum or annoy the crap out of me sometimes? No, not at all. She’ll still do all those things, but what will be different is how I react to her.

Kids see rewards as approval and love, and they see punishments as a withdrawal of that approval and love. So on a basic level, will my actions teach Abby that I love her only when she behaves in the exact way that I want her to? Do I really want to raise a daughter who is blindly compliant with whomever has more power than her? (Even if I did want a compliant daughter, research shows that rewards and punishment aren’t effective in getting that.)

No. I want to teach Abby that I love her always, not just because she does what I want her to. I want a daughter who can make smart decisions for herself, not just do what the person with more power is telling her to do.

If any of this is resonating with you and if you’re wondering what could possibly replace rewards and punishments, I would suggest that you read the book yourself. There’s no easy formula for parenting without rewards and punishments, and this book will help you explore what that style of parenting will be for you and your family.

Title: Baby Signs: How to Talk with Your Baby Before Your Baby Can Talk
Author: Linda Acredolo, Susan Goodwyn
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 4.5/5
Summary: Two child development experts explain how you can teach your baby sign language. Baby sign language helps babies express their needs and emotions before they can talk, resulting in fewer tantrums and a stronger relationship with their parents.

Review: This book provides a more robust introduction to baby sign language than a book I previously reviewed on this topic, Sign with Your Baby: How to Communicate with Infants before They Can Speak.

I especially appreciated the easy-to-digest “Ten Steps to Success” in this book:

1. Start with just a few signs
2. Always use the baby sign and word together
3. Repeat the sign and word several times
4. Point to the object when possible
5. When necessary, gently guide your child’s hands in making the sign
6. Make baby signing a regular part of your day
7. Watch for opportunities to model the signs
8. Be flexible and watch for your baby’s own sign creations
9. Be patient!
10. Remember, make learning fun

However, the sign illustrations were much clearer and more detailed in Sign with Your Baby. But I’m finding the Baby Hands Productions video dictionary of signs more helpful than illustrations anyway.

One part of Baby Signs did not sit well with me, but it’s just one paragraph out of the whole book. The authors recommend the “Baby Signs Video for Babies” as a way to teach babies more signs, then go on to say (emphasis mine):

“Of course, extensive video watching by very young children is not a good idea. However, chosen carefully, videos produced specifically for babies and toddlers can be beneficial.”

But they don’t reference any research to support this claim. I’ve never come across any research indicating that TV watching by babies and toddlers has any lasting positive effects. In fact, I read the opposite in Endangered Minds: Why Children Don’t Think And What We Can Do About It—research quoted there suggests TV watching before a child learns to read teaches them passive learning habits that can be detrimental in all their future learning experiences.

The authors are generally diligent about referencing research to support their claims, but here I think they could have done a much better job. (The cynical side of me thinks they might have vagued up the supporting arguments because they have a video they’re trying to sell.)

But that is just one paragraph out of the whole book, so I probably just need to let it go! This book is clear and well-written, and I just ordered a copy to own from PaperBackSwap.

Title: Baby Minds: Brain-Building Games Your Baby Will Love
Author: Linda Acredolo, Susan Goodwyn
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 5/5
Summary: Two professors of psychology summarize research about how babies’ minds develop, then suggest ways of incorporating brain-building games into your baby’s life.

Review: This book is similar to another book I read this year: What’s Going on in There? How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life.

Although I enjoyed What’s Going on in There?, I loved Baby Minds because it focused more on what you can do to help your baby’s brain grow. And not in a baby-flashcards sort of way, either. The games they suggest are fun and easy to incorporate into your routine. For example, they recommend modeling some pretend play starting at around 6 months to foster creativity. So we’ve instituted a 3:00 Puppet Show in our house. Abby loves it of course, but so do I! 3:00 is about the time I start counting down the minutes til Erik gets home from work so it takes my mind off the clock for a bit.

I also preferred how this book summarized the relevant research studies in an accessible way. The research they highlighted made me that much more motivated to try the corresponding games. And this book was much lighter on the biological details of development, which I didn’t mind at all considering those were the parts of What’s Going on in There? I found myself skimming.

Both books had needed reminders to parents that there’s no way to be a “perfect parent.” The message in Baby Minds is: Just do what works for you, and don’t stress out if you’re not doing every single game they recommend because every single game won’t work for everyone.

This book also has a handy list of all the games at the back, which I find myself using a lot lately. On the weekdays when I’m at home with Abby all day, I use up all my tricks by the early afternoon—we read books, we take a walk, we have a tickle fest, I feed her solid food. Then I’m bored and she’s bored, and that’s not good. So the list at the back is helpful for jogging my memory about other things we can do together that will be fun for both of us. In fact, that’s exactly how the 3:00 Puppet Show came into existence!

Title: Sign with Your Baby: How to Communicate with Infants before They Can Speak
Author: Joseph Garcia
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 3/5
Summary: Researcher Joseph Garcia reviews the fundamentals of communicating with your baby using a sign language based on American Sign Language (ASL).

Review: I chose to read this instead of Baby Signs because I figured as long as we’re teaching Abby a second language, it might as well be an actual language (American Sign Language) that she can use later on in life too.

A major benefit of this book is that the text to read is less than 50 pages, and that’s nothing to shake a stick at when you’re a parent with little uninterrupted reading time. The rest of the book is a glossary of signs. However, I have decided to read Baby Signs after all, even though we still plan to use the signs from Dr. Garcia’s book.

There are a couple reasons for my change of heart. I started reading Baby Minds: Brain-Building Games Your Baby Will Love, which is by the same authors of Baby Signs. I really appreciated how the authors did a great job of backing up every major point with specific research studies. In Sign with Your Baby, the emphasis is more on anecdotes from parents and Dr. Garcia’s own experience.

Because I was reading both books at the same time, I also found myself preferring the writing style of Baby Minds to Dr. Garcia’s writing style. There’s nothing wrong with it per se—I just thought the Baby Minds authors were a little more engaging and professional. (The book design might be playing into this impression too, as Sign with Your Baby doesn’t exactly have a slick book design.)

But what really sealed the deal for me is that in his book, Dr. Garcia actually mentions and recommends Baby Signs. So that made me realize I didn’t have to go with one or the other but that I could learn from both. Duh, Kelly.

On the docket this month: teeth, elimination communication, and accessories.

But this girl takes accessorizing seriously. You’ll see Abby wearing an amber teething necklace in most of the photos. When worn against the skin, the amber heats up and releases minuscule amounts of resin that supposedly has healing properties. Yes, we are hippies. But we figure it can’t hurt, and she seems to have less teething-related pain while wearing it.

Title: The Diaper-Free Baby: The Natural Toilet Training Alternative
Author: Christine Gross-Loh
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 3.5/5
Summary: A mother of two shares tools and information you can use to practice elimination communication (EC) with your children.

Review: Out of all the EC books out there, I chose to read this one because it sounded like a more laidback approach. It was, and I’m glad for that. My main hesitation to EC was the idea that I’d have to watch Abby like a hawk 24-7 to catch every elimination. So it was refreshing to read about examples of parents who successfully practice EC only some of the time. The book is organized by age of the child, so there’s some repetition, but I didn’t mind the reinforcement of the concepts. You could read just the part that applies to your child’s age, which is a nice option to have.

If you’re interested in EC, this book is a good place to start.

I bought The Diaper-Free Baby: The Natural Toilet Training Alternative before Abby was born, fully intending to read it before she arrived. That didn’t happen.

Then right after she was born, I had lots of time to read during her 30- to 45-minute nursing sessions, but I was not in the mood to read about baby stuff. And what’s more, the idea of practicing elimination communication (EC) just stressed me out. When I was learning so many new things in those first 3 months, I couldn’t fathom adding something that wasn’t absolutely necessary. So the book sat on the bookshelf.

The last few weeks, I’ve finally been feeling ready to read it. The clincher was some friends of ours with a 1-year-old telling me they’d like to us to try it out so they can live vicariously through us and hear how it goes. This week, I started reading the book.

The gist of EC is that babies do not inherently like to sit in their own waste. So you learn your baby’s signals for when she’s about to eliminate so you can take her to the toilet (or her own little potty), avoiding a situation where she’s sitting in her own waste. And by learning to communicate with your baby about her elimination needs, you’re creating a valuable foundation for potty-training later. In fact, many EC babies end up potty-trained earlier than other babies. And how much more “green” can you get than avoiding the cloth or disposable debate altogether?

Also, here’s something I didn’t know that I wish I had before Abby was born: Some parents practice EC 24-7, while others practice it occasionally. Some EC babies go without diapers entirely, some wear them only some of the time, while others still wear diapers all the time. I had this vision in my head that Abby would have to be diaper-free all day every day, and I would have to pay constant attention to her facial expressions so as not to get peed on. But it doesn’t have to be like that.

The book says babies typically eliminate at certain times of the day—soon after waking from a nap, during or after a feeding, or soon after being taken out of a sling/wrap or car seat. So a couple days ago, I decided to see if Abby followed those patterns. Each time she woke up from a nap, I took her diaper off and laid her on a clean prefold diaper. And sure enough, she peed within 5-10 minutes of waking up. I removed the prefold and put on a clean diaper, and she didn’t have to sit in her own pee for 2 hours before her next diaper change. I was hooked.

My next step was to see if I could get her to pee in the toilet. Yesterday after her morning nap, I took her diaper off and held her over the toilet. And my little 4-month-old daughter peed in the toilet! Then Erik tried later that day and she peed in the toilet again.

If only I had known it would be so easy, I wouldn’t have been so overwhelmed with the idea right after she was born.

Now excuse me while I go print this post and get it laminated so it’s handy for when Abby’s first boyfriend comes to the house…

Title: What’s Going on in There?: How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life
Author: Lise Eliot
Category: Nonfiction
Rating: 3.5/5
Summary: Neurobiologist Lise Eliot brings together insights from biology and cognitive psychology about how a child’s mind develops.

Review: Just about every day as I was reading this book, I would read an interesting sentence or paragraph out loud to Erik. I found it fascinating, and before it goes back to the library I’m going to type up a few quotes to keep around for reference.

A few interesting things I learned:

• The flavor of your breast milk changes depending on what you eat.
• For optimal language development, it’s important to have conversations with even young infants. You can do this with face-to-face contact and taking turns so your child gets to hear you speak but also gets a chance to practice herself. Even babies need to know that they are being addressed and that they are being heard.
• Sensitive parenting can improve a child’s temperament. This means being aware of a baby’s signals and responding promptly to her needs. And no matter how busy you are, they should feel that you are available and not ignoring them.
• Babies prefer novelty—new places, toys, experiences. It helps their brains grow.
• Daily infant massage improves a baby’s motor skills development.

I like how the author structures each chapter—starting with the biology up front and then ending with how you can encourage that particular area of development, whether it’s a sense, motor skills, social-emotional growth, memory, language, or intelligence. (I have to admit that I skipped over some of the biological details, and that structure made it easy for me to do that!)

The book did leave me with a few unanswered questions. For example, I wanted to know what impact baby sign language has on overall language development. And the author mentions that children in bilingual homes start talking later, but she didn’t talk about the optimal age for starting to introduce a second language.

But I would highly recommend this book to any parent interested in how their child’s mind is developing.

Erik and I talk a lot about how we love Abby so incredibly much that it’s going to be hard to discipline her when the day comes. We don’t plan to use physical violence—spanking, hitting, slapping—in any way. But I’m not a huge fan of timeouts either. I can’t see myself using timeouts on a regular basis, although I could see using them for certain situations.

I wasn’t confident in my instincts about timeouts until I starting reading Playful Parenting. Here’s a small part of what the child psychologist author has to say on timeouts:

Timeouts were supposed to be a humane alternative to whacking children, but they have somehow become the ultimate “positive parenting” tool. The main problem with timeouts is that they reinforce isolation on children who are probably already feeling isolated and disconnected.

Also:

I see most “misbehavior” as really just a matter of disconnection. Children who feel connected also feel inclined to be cooperative and thoughtful. So instead of punishment, which tends to create an even bigger disconnection between parent and child, try thinking about how to reestablish a connection…Reconnecting might require a hug, some quiet time together, wrestling or running around outside, a snack, or a talk. For more serious disruptions, I recommend what I call the meeting on the couch. Most punishments involve exerting power over a child, which just increases his or her sense of isolation and powerlessness. Meetings on the couch build connection and empower children. At the same time, they give us an effective way to provide real discipline: the teaching of our values and principles.

These ideas ring true to me—they feel right in my heart. But even after rereading the words now, I have this knee-jerk reaction to thinking about discipline in this way, and flashes of Supernanny invade my brain. It’s hard to ignore the most prevalent form of discipline you see in the media and from fellow parents.

So this morning when I ran across an article about discipline tactics that are most effective, I was reminded of Playful Parenting. A quote from the article:

After all, it’s not supposed to be about payback, though that’s often what’s going on, says Jamila Reid, codirector of the Parenting Clinic at the University of Washington. The clinic’s “The Incredible Years” program has been found in seven studies to improve children’s behavior. “Often parents come looking for bigger sticks. We tell parents the word discipline means ‘teach.’ It’s something to teach a child that there’s a better way to respond.”

It’ll be a while yet before we can put those tactics to the test ourselves, so I’m curious to hear from other parents about this topic. What are your thoughts on discipline? Have you tried tactics like those in the article? What has worked, and what hasn’t?